Decades ago, I was in a relationship that reflected the cycles associated with intimate partner abuse. It was crazymaking. I read every book available and sought help from numerous professionals. Endless seeking of information got in the way of doing what was needed. Leaving. My confusion was in my head. In my being I knew that what was being said and done wasn’t loving. That simplicity was all I truly needed. The rest was unnecessary complexity.
I see those same internal psychological dynamics operating in client presentations. People say they want something, but instead of taking action to make that happen, they get lost in a sea of thought and information from youtube channels, Instagram, internet sites, other people’s comments, professionals and self help books. Instead of information informing personal experience so that we can take action more confidently, for many its endless elaboration leads nowhere and action is stymied. The simplicity is that if something doesn’t feel right, then something in it isn’t. Trust that.
I often use this graphic in my consultations to reflect the internal dynamics of what happens. If we get out of our heads, logic usually informs what needs to be done. Maybe that is leaving a relationship, changing a job, moving someone out, getting on with studies, letting go of someone. Instead of working with the logic of what we know however, many people flip into their heads, rummaging through the various information they have read, what others will think, why they can’t do something, etc. etc. No one ever succeeded in life via that route. They succeed by getting on with things, even if it is new, they haven’t done it before and they are a bit afraid. Courage outweighs unfamiliarity. Because that is how human beings navigate the ‘new’, the ‘unexpected’, the ‘needed’. They get on with it, maybe not perfectly, maybe not even successfully, but they focus on what needs doing and do it.
Just as how we read has changed with the introduction of screen based print and entertainment, so too has how we solve problems. In reading, our automatic (learned to perfection) habit used to be deep attention, neural processing moving from left to right. Now, our automatic (learned to perfection) habit is to quickly scan haphazardly moving our eyes to differing locations, extracting info bytes and departing 3 minutes later. For many, deep reading takes more effort than it used to. With an exponential growth in information, our automatic problem solving skills have also changed. Once, we would have listened to our internal logic about matters and acted. Now we automatically search for the next information source endlessly talking, gathering (info bytes), watching …. but not moving. Our internal logic and wisdom is drowned out by the noise occupying our minds. We are stuck.
Journalling can be very effective in reconnecting with internal logic and taking practical steps. The first question is what do you want? What would your life look like if you had it? What would you have to learn to make it happen? What would you have to give up? Be specific. Give yourself permission to be honest and don’t get distracted by thoughts that critique what surfaces. Trust the train of thought that surfaces. You are not committing. You are just exploring.
Next, list all that you would have to do to make what you want happen? Again don’t get caught up in censoring your capacities and abilities. How do you feel about what you have written? Is trusting yourself and doing what’s right for you a possibility? Write into the apprehension, you may find it doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
When faced with a challenge are you automatically deviating into your head and rattling around in there instead of taking one small step? Because that’s all living is about. Small steps. Taking them one step at a time. Just like a baby learning to walk – thank goodness they can’t read before the task of walking! One step. Learn. Modify. Next step.
Georgina Mavor 