Tag Archives: stress

Thick with Thought

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Some days, I come home from work with a head that is ‘thick with thoughts’. Mentally congested, I am unable to digest another piece of information.

It would be easy to reach for a glass of wine to dull the senses. But at my age time is precious. I’d prefer to consciously engage with it – and I appreciate the contribution a good night’s sleep makes to the quality of my day.

I have found that just sitting on my verandah perusing the activity of my bushland garden quietens my mind. I suspect meditation would do the same. But I have found my easiest pathway to peace is through writing. When my mind is ‘thick with thoughts’ I ‘free associate’ write. I put to paper all those ‘flea hopping’ thoughts that are rattling around. Work I want to progress, back pain, IT problems, conversation comments, news items, the weather, money, friends and family. All of it. Written on the page.

And as I hop about, something happens. My mind slows and it turns. It settles on one thing to write about and a thread appears. With that thread, my body calms and life feels manageable again.

Earlier in the week a family member spoke of the ‘third shift’ in their life. In other conversations, we reflected on the simplicity and happiness of people living traditional village life. Later, as I washed my dishes (part of my second shift), the memory of households in times gone by with clear demarcation of resource generation and resource saving responsibilities came to mind. My mind tires with the continual need to move between the responsibilities of work, household upkeep, family, pets, garden, and health. Our minds are certainly processing much more than human beings living on the planet 50 years ago! No wonder we reach points where nothing more can be accommodated.

Our mental and physical health is dependant on a balance between cognitive activity (thinking to keep elements of our lives alive) and rest (letting it all go). Find your own way to build in moments of repose. And if writing appeals to you, tame those mental ‘fleas’ by anchoring them on the page and return once more to a singular slow train of thought innate to the natural flow of life. As you walk in the front door after a long day, allow writing to transition you into a calmer space. The external world doesn’t have to reside in our home.

Beliefs Have A ‘Use By’ Date

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At the time of writing this post, it is Australia Day. In years gone by, cars could be seen laden with Australian flags; dwellings acquired flagpoles; t-shirts were emblazoned with red, white and blue; and crowd faces looked like the set of Braveheart movie. Festivals were created, bands played, people drank (a lot) and fireworks lit up the sky.

Not so this year. Not one car with a flag sighted locally. Not one painted face. Much less merchandise. Australia Day celebrations silenced.

Not too long ago, voices of dissent to our entrenched interpretation of the day could be heard and different festivals emerged – ones grounded in truth telling about the invasion that usurped the traditional cultures and roles of our indigenous peoples. It soon became clear that the thinking and beliefs that framed our behaviours on 26 January had reached their ‘use by’ date. They no longer served the nation we wish to be.

The same process of change occurs in all of us – if we pay attention. Just as the beliefs underpinning Australia Day were a ‘narrow slice’ on the bigger picture, so too are the beliefs we create in our formative years about ourselves, our potentials, our abilities, our values …. the list goes on. They serve us for a while, but with time, discontent niggles within – a more mature voice wishes to be heard. If we pay attention, change can be peaceful. If not, the limits of our beliefs break and an eruption occurs. Relationships become untenable, health problems erupt, work loses its pizzazz, or we don’t like what we see in the mirror. The tiny, narrow, slivers of understanding we formed in times long gone by about the amazing power of life pulsating through everything, including ourselves, are revealed for the schtick they are.

Australian’s are embracing a different, fuller, more accurate perspective on their national day. Not everyone at the same time, but it is happening. The same occurs with our understanding of ourselves. If we slow down and listen to the niggles, exploring their content, accuracy and relevance to our current contexts, we can wake up to the expiry of the ‘use by’ date of the beliefs that drive us behind the scenes, and be open to what comes next. For change comes from within. The new thoughts that are emerging for our celebrations of this nation come from within individuals, and like a ripple effect, increasingly resonate with those who are open to listening. Deep within, we are all ‘truth seekers’ and in our own lives, the voice of fresh truth also resonates – if we listen.

Change is wired in to the flow of life, including through ourselves. Fresh thought in the form of impulses or words powers every tendril of innovation, creativity and evolution. Downfalls occur when that ‘nudge’ is ignored.

Have you listened to the niggles in the back of your mind? Do you give yourself permission to sit down and explore them through a journal? What fears get in the way? What unfounded fears about your Self sit below them? What changes would you be liberated to embrace and manifest if, like a 2021 bottle of sweet chilli sauce, you threw your beliefs that have passed their expiry date in the bin!

Sinkholes in Consciousness

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Slap, slap, slap, slap. The sound of sandshoes pummelling the footpath every day as my 9 year old self ran up the hill of the road home in an attempt to beat the bus. 1960’s shoes and shoulder strap school bag didn’t make it easy. If the old bus chugged past before I made it to the top, I’d stop running and stoop into despair that I had ‘lost’. Beat it and I was a winner. The fantasies that go on in a child’s mind. Adrian Mole and Horrible Henry aren’t the only ones narrating their lives.

The only problem is that that narrative became my mantra. Whether in work, or relationships, or health, I have pushed myself beyond what is humanly healthy in order to reach a bar I had set too high in order to validate my worth.

Five decades later, I am finally listening to the nudge within that serves me better than my conditioning. I am called to slow down my inner world, and to let go of the narrative that orders I do this, this and that, before I can feel okay. It’s time to move with grace. It’s also time to prioritize writing about moments that resonate.

So I was disappointed recently to find myself agitated at the end of the day. As I swept the kitchen floor, the realisation came to me that I had been using an hour of DVD watching of an evening as my ‘reward’ for having slowed down during the day. On this day, however, work tasks had taken a little longer and the ‘reward’ was thwarted. No wonder I was tense! How grateful I was for the fruits in awareness the disruption unearthed.

Oh I was amused. Like a sinkhole in consciousness, this childhood cognitive firing was at play again! Conditioning had usurped open presence. My mind had automatically made ‘reward’ meaning out of time at the end of the day. Realisation freed me and I knew there were no ‘rules’ about how I used my time. Categorising my activity into work, or leisure, or reward, was all made up! The truth is that every moment is full of possibility – and I am free to follow the internal nudge.

Another wonderful lesson from life on how to avoid habitual cognitive sinkholes. Slow your mind down, be present to where you are, and step into the nudge from within.

What if we’ve got ourselves all wrong?

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What if we’ve got our understanding of ourselves all wrong? What if we’ve got our thinking about how we need to use thinking all wrong? What if the innate capacities that drove Neanderthal man forward in evolution (without a book or teacher) are just as present in modern day man? What if, just as those capacities enabled Neanderthal man to successfully navigate his context, they are just as available for successfully navigating our context, and the contexts of the future? What if the way we think we have to relentlessly think about everything in order to live well is actually getting in the way of the capacities inbuilt to human beings that are the real drivers of change, thriving and evolution?

Innocently, we may have taken a wrong turn and the pendulum has swung too far out. Like mushrooms spawning, books, information and websites on how to manage our emotions, psychological states, parenting, relationships, business, performance, etc. now envelope our lives, each of them telling us how to do this, how to do that. It is humanly impossible to do everything they say, and yet each proposes that its contents will make us more effective – the implication being we will fail if we don’t. No wonder anxiety is so prevalent. Is it really true that we innately lack the wherewithal to successfully navigate life without an ‘expert’ somewhere guiding us? Or have we innocently lost our way and lost sight of what makes us human – the capacity to successfully navigate all the complexities of life – if we slow down the busyness of our thinking.

What if we settled back into an assumption that we have got what it takes and let go of running to do lists, schedules, books to read, classes to attend …. being in control. What if we played with letting that internal state go and gave ourselves permission to experiment? What if we maintained a quiet inner state for a small part of each day, what would we discover about what Neanderthal man innately trusted because he had never been taught to doubt it?

Bending Reality Out of Shape

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When people come into counselling, I suspect they think that if we just talk about everything, that in some miraculous way, it ‘fixes up’ the content of whatever is going on. The problem is there is SOOOO MUCH going on.

People not liking what we have done, people wanting more from us, unhealthy workplaces, poor relationships, addictions, people dying, sickness, struggling children … the list is endless. All of these issues benefit from a bigger perspective conversation. But the amount of time this would take is unreasonable, and new ‘problems’ surface along the way.

As part of her current More Signal, Less Noise 5 Day training Barbara Patterson presented a simple understanding of how everyone perceives in the moment – including ourselves. We are either interpreting life (and ourselves) from clarity, or we are interpreting from an agitated internal state and our thinking distorts reality. It bends it out of shape.

See the actions of a family member in a clear state and we see their acts of kindness and care. See it from an agitated state, and we distort our attention and thinking, catastrophising one small detail. See our own agitated internal state from clarity and we experience compassion. See the same internal state from agitation and we distort our experience into shame. Sensing whether ourselves and/or others have a calm internal climate or an agitated one, makes all the difference in knowing whether we, or others, are seeing clearly, or whether thinking is distorting reality.

Knowing this simple understanding provides flexibility in response as against groundhog day of repeated neural firing. If I know I am perceiving from an agitated internal climate, I can choose to sit still, breathe, redirect my attention, listen, etc. If I can see that the other person is expressing from an internal agitated state, I can choose to calm them down, distract, or I can walk away.

Everything going on in a person’s life can’t be talked through and ‘settled’ into place. But everyone can discern whether they and/or others are seeing clearly, or are innocently distorting reality. Familiarising ourselves with this simple ‘tool of awareness’ then opens a portal to forming a conscious relationship with the Me behind all the distorted thinking. The Me that nudges, realises, insights and knows – even when an internal tsunami is underway.

‘Comes and Goes’

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Dwaarlindjirraap, Lane Poole Reserve, Dwellingup.

I regularly experience rushes of anxiety. Ones in which it feels as if life has no meaning or significance. In those moments, I feel afraid, alone and scared.

I think that as a psychologist I should have all the answers for moving anxiety on quickly when it comes knocking on our doors. But I don’t. Sure, there are some strategies that occasionally work for me, and possibly work for others as well, but I don’t have a ‘method’ that works every time, and over time.

For my experience of anxiety has changed over the decades. In my earlier years, it was more a ‘daily living’ default setting. Now, my ‘normal’ is much, much calmer, and intermittently, there are bouts in which life feels scary. Interestingly, over those same decades, I have crafted a rich career; formed committed relationships; raised a child; navigated adolescence, mid life and all the years in between; grieved the loss of loved ones and loved animals; and managed health concerns as they arose. I have lived in spite of anxiety and other psychological ‘phenomena’.

Regardless of anxiety’s presentation, I do know its experience is created from thought, but that knowledge rarely helps me in the moment. I experience anxiety, and think ‘it’s just thought’, then what? Sitting in a psychological limboland without the rudder of another thought is equally scary. What actually ‘helps’, is the ‘coming in’ of another train of thought. One moment, I am sitting by the river, fearful of being alone and alive, five minutes later I am filled with warmth at the sight of human interactions occurring at different campsites as I return to my tent. My soul is balmed. Another moment, I am afraid of the week ahead of me and the next I am so happy to be able to sit on my couch and watch another rerun of ‘Rake’. That’s how life goes, one moment this, the next that.

Whilst I can offer a list of thoughts and actions to deliberately ‘bring in’ another thought/feeling, I also know that if I just allow my emotional experiences to ‘be’ and keep living, another train of thought/feeling will arrive. The past passes. Just as hayfever passes, or not getting to sleep passes, or a cold passes. Rest, take care, and living takes over again. Physical and psychological experiences, uncomfortable and comfortable, pleasurable and distressing, boring and intense, are all a small ‘passing’ part of the ‘mix’ of living.

Rather than come up with a list of strategies for moving ‘anxiety’ on, maybe our psychological resources would be more usefully spent on the main act – living a life we like. Because its the thoughts of things we like that ‘come in’ and nudge out the driver thought behind the experience of anxiety. Maybe living lives we like is what we can know better and more about, because we already know what we need to know about anxiety. It comes, and goes, when a ‘nicer’ thought comes in.

Behavioural Experiments of the Mind

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We are all the directors of our experience of the story of our life. Our story has a beginning and an end. It has unique content. In between, we get to choose where we focus the camera of our awareness and the point of view of our thinking.

The craft of a great director of our human story is in understanding and deftly working with our thinking and feelings.

In all the myriad of details we can focus on in each moment, we unconsciously choose what we pay attention to — until we become aware of what we are doing. Alongside our attending we are interpreting, using the words and images from thought to make meaning, even if that meaning in the moment is to operate on automatic.

We experience where our thoughts meander.

Often we change direction, instantaneously experiencing the miracle of the mind body connection. We change our mind, our attention is caught by something, we have an insight, we hear the logic in another person’s words, we become immersed in a flow experience and … what we are experiencing in our bodies changes.

We experience where our thought moves.

Our thoughts, whether in the form of words or images are not ‘facts’. They are akin to clay, something we can shapeshift. We may not be able to direct what comes in to our minds (and maybe we can), but we are able to choose which forms to engage with and which ones to leave behind. We can direct the experience of our life story, regardless of its content.

As a therapist, I will at times set behavioural experiments for clients to discover for themselves what I point to in our sessions. I also utilise them when I too get caught up in an uncomfortable perceptual lens that takes me nowhere. Try them for yourself. See what you learn about your capacities as the director of your experience, about the creative nature of thought, about your own habits of mind and about the so-called truth of much of what we think, particularly about ourselves!

1. The first step is to notice. Notice the feelings in your body and check in with what is going on in your head. If this isn’t possible in the moment, hindsight is a remarkable human tool. Look back at the experience you have just been through. Look at the thinking driving it. If you acted on it, what was the result? If you didn’t act on it, what was the result? Much wisdom is gained in life through hindsight, when we see how behaviours that erupt from a troubled mind usually result in more trouble. Noticing is a powerful inbuilt mental health faculty.

2. When caught up in overwhelm, with a list of things that must be done running through your head, go in the opposite direction. Stop, ask yourself what you need to do to slow down your mind and your actions — and do it. What did you learn? How important was all that stuff you had on your list? Did the world open up and swallow you when you stopped all that pushing ahead?

3. When you are caught up in hurt and pain, wanting to lash out at others, stop and look after yourself instead. Be kind to yourself. Write in a journal, have a bath, dress in your favourite clothes, soften, be gentle to you. The other person may not be kind to you, but you can assuage your hurt by being gentle with yourself. And once you are feeling better, you can then decide what to do with unkind people in your life.

4. When your mind drops into a low mood, when everything about you appears gloomy and you have no energy — do something. Do something that fully engages you. Run, ride a bike, play chess, garden, walk in the sun. Those gloomy states of mind can be dangerous. They aren’t a life sentence, they are a thought created psychological state playing out in your body. Experiment with relating to it as a ‘state’ rather than a ‘trait’. Know that the true ‘trait’ is the power of awareness. If we can see that we are gloomy then what is the true self? The gloomy abyss or the point of awareness that sits above it all. Instead of buying into the gloom buy into the awareness. Act from there and see what happens. Did the gloom disappear? Did it shrink? What did you notice about your attention and thinking as you wavered between the activity you engaged in and the gloom in your mind. What we attend to expands.

Always notice, then when in a calmer state of mind, listen for what needs to be done, if anything. Not only does a director have a keen eye, she/he also taps a creative faculty when problems are encountered. How else would brilliant stories in films and books be created? We need the content of the story — and we need the interpretation. It is the latter that captures us, inspires us and reflects the hope that is inbuilt into life. Hope is part of its nature. Hope is part of our nature. It is part of the effervescent vitality of life. But it is hidden if we stay in ‘stuck’ states of mind. Developing our director skills in choosing which thoughts to privilege and which ones to walk away from is a key skill to determining whether our story is one of fulfilment or one of suffering. Which life story will you direct?

PS. The information provided in this post is for general information only. Appointments are available for anyone in Australia seeking more personalized support either face to face or via Telehealth. Please call 08 9330 3922.

Photo Courtesy of Denise Jans, Unsplash.com

Reality is Sooo Sane

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“I told him I knew he was frustrated because he didn’t win, but throwing his toys around will only break them and that would make him more unhappy. Quietening him down, I told him to take a few deep breaths so that we could get back into the game.” Words of wisdom from a young mother who has suffered anxiety most of her life, bringing sanity to the behaviour of her young Autistic son.

“Stop. I’m not helping you with your job application anymore if you continue to vent your frustration at me. I’m only trying to help but you do this every time you have to read and writing something. I too have things to do and don’t deserve to have someone angry with me when I am just making myself available to help. Come and get me when you feel you can stay calm. It might take time, but we can get it done.” A mother helping her teenage daughter who struggles with literacy.

Frustrated with the exhaustion of breastfeeding my only baby at 44 years of age, I finally accepted the reality that I was finished, that I just didn’t have the energy or support resources to maintain what the textbooks told me was good for my child. I had begun to turn to a glass of wine each night to keep me upright. That didn’t feel right. It was time to accept the physical reality of my situation, support myself instead of overloading me, and move on. No more breastfeeding, no more needing to prop myself up. Solid food only and move into the next phase. She turned out fine and I felt human again.

Reality is sane. Physical, emotional and cognitive limitations are sane. Live within them and we navigate life with greater ease. It’s our thinking disconnected from common sense that takes us into insanity.

Children need help (when their frustration with reality takes hold) to see that their frustrated behaviour will hurt. Destroying their toys or throwing themselves about doesn’t make their satisfaction with themselves or others better. Taking a few breaths and moving forward helps. Leading our children through the experience of  responding with common sense to reality supports the integrity of their inbuilt psychological health system.

Yelling and abusing the people who love and support us affect their level of comfort in being around us. In choosing abusive and disrespectful behaviour because of frustration, we impair the social connections that enable us to survive and flourish. An adolescent has the ability to know that their behaviour may hurt the love they value, and they have the ability to choose whether to engage in it or not. We can help them pause and choose, if we use language that separates their frustrated behaviour from who they are. “I really want to help you, but that behaviour is getting in the way. I want to spend time with you, but not if that behaviour erupts. I will assume that you know how else to respond but if you want to talk it through, just let me know.”

Adults have even greater cognitive capacity to bring better quality thinking grounded in reality to a situation. Instead of being caught up in some picture of what ‘should’ be happening, acceptance of what’s working for us or not is a pretty reliable gauge by which to decide whether to continue or to shift. If something isn’t working, step back, and choose what would work.

Help young children experience ways of soothing their frustration that don’t hurt. Ignite awareness of free will in adolescents and young people by using language that separates behaviour from them as people and affirms the ability to choose. As adults, get out of our heads and listen to the sanity and common sense in the reality around us. We all possess the capacities of awareness and free will. We can all choose something different even when caught up in strong feelings. It’s common sense. Everyone has the capacity to notice, to know what isn’t right for us, and to exercise free will. Those capacities are inbuilt into us and already operating. Begin by noticing when we are caught up in something. If it doesn’t make sense, stop. A saner response awaits.

‘Snakes and Ladders’ Thinking

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I have this children’s game sitting on my coffee table in the office. I use it to explain the role of thinking as we all play the game of life. Some of our thoughts are ‘snakes’ whilst others are ‘ladders’.

‘Ladder’ thoughts move us forward. We can know them by their feeling. They feel alive, right and positive.

‘Snake’ thoughts eventually take us backwards. They feel dead, revved up, chaotic, rushed, muddy.

‘Ladder’ thoughts emerge from a clear and calm mind.

‘Snake’ thoughts come out of a chaotic, revved up or depressed mind.

Solution ‘ladder’ thoughts are found in a clear mind – our default setting.

Solutions are never ever found in ‘snake’ thoughts.

A clear mind yields thoughts of love, compassion, wisdom, insight, creativity, innovation.

A tumultuous mind yields the opposite.

Both types of thoughts flow through our minds. With the gift of ‘free will’ we have the power to choose which ones to invest in and follow and which ones to drop and leave behind.

‘Ladder’ thoughts emerge from our true self. When caught up in ‘snake’ thoughts turn your mind to your true nature. Know that it is there and slowly you will return ‘home’.

When we have a cold, has our innate physical health left us? No. It is working to kill the bacteria. Our innate physical health system springs into action and sends the chemicals, white blood cells, etc. our body needs to overcome the illness. We experience the symptoms of our innate physical health working and if we ‘tune in’, we rest. In resting, we work with our innate physical health system. If we don’t, we work against it.

When we experience ‘snake’ thoughts has our innate psychological health left us? No. The feelings that accompany ‘snake’ thoughts call us to slow down so that our innate psychological health system can right us. Just as our innate physical health system is available to respond to threats, so too is our innate psychological health system. The ‘outputs’ of our psychological health system are thoughts – thoughts with a feeling of truth in the moment.

Noticing is the key. Notice our cold symptoms as soon as they begin and we can rest quicker, reducing the duration of our cold. Ignore them, push ourselves and we increase the possibility of hospitalisation. The same is true of our psychological symptoms. Notice them early, slow down, turn to innate health, listen for guidance accompanied by a feeling and follow.

We have both an innate physical health system and an innate psychological health system. We are just more conscious and therefore knowledgeable of one. Are you ready to become conscious of the other?

I don’t know ….

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At the end of another day seeing clients in private practice, my mind was in overdrive. Six people, six different contexts, six different presenting issues, and this was only one day in five. My mind was reeling with the range of human issues, the variation in people’s understanding of what therapy entailed, the ever increasing possible avenues for effective intervention, and a service delivery system that was difficult to navigate confidently. Medical practitioners, not for profit service providers, community agencies and private practitioners all doing their best to comply with the policy makers’ model, and the public service officers who translated it into business practice. With so many individual mindsets involved, chaos often reigns.

Most days, I was able to retain my mind on the ‘present moment’ quietening and listening, responding from what came to mind and working through practical issues as they arose. On this day, however, I had finished it with a client I wasn’t making much progress with.

My mind began to look for answers. What had I been reading recently that could inform my thinking? Maybe I should sign up for at least two of the trainings that had crossed my information feeds in the past week? And what about the latest research findings on my professional organisation’s newsletter or the books my colleagues were buying? Clearly everyone else knew better than me. Clearly I was incompetent. The more I thought, the more hijacked my mind became, the worse I felt, the grumpier I got, the less I was aware of the people and peace in my home. My mind had taken a detour and I was hurtling down the dirt track of no return.

Stop. Time to turn around. Time to slow down the whirling dervish in my head. I grabbed the dogs and took them for a walk in local bushland. I needed to come home. What was my truth? My truth was that the system is broken. My truth was that the increasing number of therapies and interventions is confusing. My truth was that I didn’t have a clue how to move forward with this client. There it was. I felt it. All prior thinking had whirled. This one resonated. My truth was that I didn’t know. Simple. I accepted my truth.

As I walked, an image of me throwing a head full of thoughts behind me emerged. They were gone. The busyness ended. My thinking had kept it all going. Accepting that I didn’t know cut to the chase. There was no need to scramble. In the scrambling I was never going to know. Knowing only ever comes when the mind is effortlessly engaging with whatever is next. Life flows. When the mind is doing the same, fresh ideas and insights come when they are needed. Busy thinking and fixation takes us out of that flow.

My body immediately became more flexible. I felt lighter. As I walked through the bush I noticed the meanderings of the dogs, the birds flying, the colours of green in the leaves. By the time I arrived home, my mind had moved on to dinner and was engaged in the possibilities. I noticed I felt fantastic. I realised I couldn’t remember what my mind had been so caught up in less than 20 minutes beforehand. Personal truth is liberating. Seeing/voicing/realizing our truth disconnects us from the habits of thinking that say we know noThing. We know all that we need to know, moment, by moment, by moment. Trust it.