As the aroma from my small traditional Italian espresso coffee machine permeates my kitchen, I am reminded of the coffees I used to purchase in cafes before COVID 19. Purchased when life was driven by the next client, the next meal to shop for, the next swimming training for my daughter, the next chore to be done, the next, the next, the next. Forever chasing the ‘next’ was normal and purchasing a coffee was my daily ‘reward’.

Now, as I pour warmed milk into two mugs, a warm air wafts through the open window and I hear my neighbour weight training in his garage. ‘Outside’ life is establishing itself in our homes. Life feels calm and wholesome. I glance at the bread basket on the kitchen bench next to me and see two remaining slices of rye bread. Automatically, an impulse stirs in my body. It’s an impulse to grab my car keys, walk out the front door, start the car and drive to the local supermarket to buy a loaf of rye bread and probably three to four other things I don’t immediately need but the purchase of which would provide the feeling of being ‘ahead’ of my ‘to do’ list. Whoa. In an instant the feeling of calm deserts me.

I pause. That impulse to rush out and buy was immediate and automatic. In a flash of understanding, I realise how ingrained this learned habit has become and I see the full extent by which I have lived my life by it. Hot on the heels of that ‘waking up’ I also know it is a dead end dirt track I no longer wish to travel. I feel slightly downcast.

Next to the breadbasket is my mother’s old Kenwood Chef. Years before, I had sequestered it to make bread after being inspired by my ex baker neighbour. Unused, it has sat on my kitchen bench like an ornament reflecting something I didn’t actually live. In my mind, an aperture of clarity appears. I see that the habitual impulse to keep doing the ‘next’ takes me away from being present. Of simply listening to the here and now things I could do with what I already have in my home, of the here and now things I just need to do in my workplace, and of the here and now presence I can bring to my relationships and friendships. Instead of my habitual impulse filling up my mind with things to do, I realise I can pause and allow my mind to open up to what wants to come forth from within.

For a brief moment I see the disparity between the mindlessness created by the automatic impulses I have learned,  and of the lifechanging and life affirming richness of mind that opens up if I pause and let habitual impulses pass. I breathe. This is a deep turning point. Thoughts arise about the week ahead and how I can take this new found clarity into my working and living life. The word ‘notice’ wafts to the surface of my mind. Just notice the feeling of that automatic impulse and pause. Be present, and contentment within will respond.