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Dishwashing Zen

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At 9.00 pm, after a 10 hour day, I am doing the dishes. I notice I am feeling quite energized and alive. Other nights, I feel tired and haggard. I know my vitality level is created from the state of my mind. Open and free flowing, and my vitality levels rise. Occupied with ‘hard’ thinking and my vitality drops. Tonight, I have nothing on my mind. My attention is fully occupied by the dishes and being in my home.

I’m aware I can easily change my experience in this moment. Think differently. ‘I’m so tired. I hate always having to do this at the end of the day. And then I don’t sleep!’ Result? Feel tired and haggard. I think how funny it is that with a simple switch in thinking I change what I feel. Same activity, different thinking, different feeling (experience). I feel entertained with that thought. I reflect on the fact I don’t have a dishwasher. I think ‘dishwashers are unenvironmental’ and I feel distaste. So I don’t have a dishwasher. Everything starts with a thought.

My Red Cloud Kelpie stands at the door waiting to go outside. I think ‘she’s cute’. I caringly let her out. One minute later, she is waiting at the door to come in. I think, ‘she’s a pain in the butt’. I feel annoyed and let her in. Another moment of ‘hard’ thinking creating a harshness in feeling.

I think that tracking my thinking and feeling moment by moment is a lot of work. I feel tired. And on, and on, and on, it goes. Thinking and feeling.

For all of us.

All of the time.

I think ‘how amazing we are’. Guess how I feel.

I don’t know ….

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At the end of another day seeing clients in private practice, my mind was in overdrive. Six people, six different contexts, six different presenting issues, and this was only one day in five. My mind was reeling with the range of human issues, the variation in people’s understanding of what therapy entailed, the ever increasing possible avenues for effective intervention, and a service delivery system that was difficult to navigate confidently. Medical practitioners, not for profit service providers, community agencies and private practitioners all doing their best to comply with the policy makers’ model, and the public service officers who translated it into business practice. With so many individual mindsets involved, chaos often reigns.

Most days, I was able to retain my mind on the ‘present moment’ quietening and listening, responding from what came to mind and working through practical issues as they arose. On this day, however, I had finished it with a client I wasn’t making much progress with.

My mind began to look for answers. What had I been reading recently that could inform my thinking? Maybe I should sign up for at least two of the trainings that had crossed my information feeds in the past week? And what about the latest research findings on my professional organisation’s newsletter or the books my colleagues were buying? Clearly everyone else knew better than me. Clearly I was incompetent. The more I thought, the more hijacked my mind became, the worse I felt, the grumpier I got, the less I was aware of the people and peace in my home. My mind had taken a detour and I was hurtling down the dirt track of no return.

Stop. Time to turn around. Time to slow down the whirling dervish in my head. I grabbed the dogs and took them for a walk in local bushland. I needed to come home. What was my truth? My truth was that the system is broken. My truth was that the increasing number of therapies and interventions is confusing. My truth was that I didn’t have a clue how to move forward with this client. There it was. I felt it. All prior thinking had whirled. This one resonated. My truth was that I didn’t know. Simple. I accepted my truth.

As I walked, an image of me throwing a head full of thoughts behind me emerged. They were gone. The busyness ended. My thinking had kept it all going. Accepting that I didn’t know cut to the chase. There was no need to scramble. In the scrambling I was never going to know. Knowing only ever comes when the mind is effortlessly engaging with whatever is next. Life flows. When the mind is doing the same, fresh ideas and insights come when they are needed. Busy thinking and fixation takes us out of that flow.

My body immediately became more flexible. I felt lighter. As I walked through the bush I noticed the meanderings of the dogs, the birds flying, the colours of green in the leaves. By the time I arrived home, my mind had moved on to dinner and was engaged in the possibilities. I noticed I felt fantastic. I realised I couldn’t remember what my mind had been so caught up in less than 20 minutes beforehand. Personal truth is liberating. Seeing/voicing/realizing our truth disconnects us from the habits of thinking that say we know noThing. We know all that we need to know, moment, by moment, by moment. Trust it.

Opening Up Instead of Filling Up

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As the aroma from my small traditional Italian espresso coffee machine permeates my IMG_1099kitchen, I am reminded of the coffees I used to purchase in cafes before COVID 19. Purchased when life was driven by the next client, the next meal to shop for, the next swimming training for my daughter, the next chore to be done, the next, the next, the next. Forever chasing the ‘next’ was normal and purchasing a coffee was my daily ‘reward’.

Now, as I pour warmed milk into two mugs, a warm air wafts through the open window and I hear my neighbour weight training in his garage. ‘Outside’ life is establishing itself in our homes. Life feels calm and wholesome. I glance at the bread basket on the kitchen bench next to me and see two remaining slices of rye bread. Automatically, an impulse stirs in my body. It’s an impulse to grab my car keys, walk out the front door, start the car and drive to the local supermarket to buy a loaf of rye bread and probably three to four other things I don’t immediately need but the purchase of which would provide the feeling of being ‘ahead’ of my ‘to do’ list. Whoa. In an instant the feeling of calm deserts me.

I pause. That impulse to rush out and buy was immediate and automatic. In a flash of understanding, I realise how ingrained this learned habit has become and I see the full extent by which I have lived my life by it. Hot on the heels of that ‘waking up’ I also know it is a dead end dirt track I no longer wish to travel. I feel slightly downcast.

IMG_0995Next to the breadbasket is my mother’s old Kenwood Chef. Years before, I had sequestered it to make bread after being inspired by my ex baker neighbour. Unused, it has sat on my kitchen bench like an ornament reflecting something I didn’t actually live. In my mind, an aperture of clarity appears. I see that the habitual impulse to keep doing the ‘next’ takes me away from being present. Of simply listening to the here and now things I could do with what I already have in my home, of the here and now things I just need to do in my workplace, and of the here and now presence I can bring to my relationships and friendships. Instead of my habitual impulse filling up my mind with things to do, I realise I can pause and allow my mind to open up to what wants to come forth from within.

For a brief moment I see the disparity between the mindlessness created by the automatic impulses I have IMG_0996learned,  and of the lifechanging and life affirming richness of mind that opens up if I pause and let habitual impulses pass. I breathe. This is a deep turning point. Thoughts arise about the week ahead and how I can take this new found clarity into my working and living life. The word ‘notice’ wafts to the surface of my mind. Just notice the feeling of that automatic impulse and pause. Be present, and contentment within will respond.