Tag Archives: mind

Sinkholes in Consciousness

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Slap, slap, slap, slap. The sound of sandshoes pummelling the footpath every day as my 9 year old self ran up the hill of the road home in an attempt to beat the bus. 1960’s shoes and shoulder strap school bag didn’t make it easy. If the old bus chugged past before I made it to the top, I’d stop running and stoop into despair that I had ‘lost’. Beat it and I was a winner. The fantasies that go on in a child’s mind. Adrian Mole and Horrible Henry aren’t the only ones narrating their lives.

The only problem is that that narrative became my mantra. Whether in work, or relationships, or health, I have pushed myself beyond what is humanly healthy in order to reach a bar I had set too high in order to validate my worth.

Five decades later, I am finally listening to the nudge within that serves me better than my conditioning. I am called to slow down my inner world, and to let go of the narrative that orders I do this, this and that, before I can feel okay. It’s time to move with grace. It’s also time to prioritize writing about moments that resonate.

So I was disappointed recently to find myself agitated at the end of the day. As I swept the kitchen floor, the realisation came to me that I had been using an hour of DVD watching of an evening as my ‘reward’ for having slowed down during the day. On this day, however, work tasks had taken a little longer and the ‘reward’ was thwarted. No wonder I was tense! How grateful I was for the fruits in awareness the disruption unearthed.

Oh I was amused. Like a sinkhole in consciousness, this childhood cognitive firing was at play again! Conditioning had usurped open presence. My mind had automatically made ‘reward’ meaning out of time at the end of the day. Realisation freed me and I knew there were no ‘rules’ about how I used my time. Categorising my activity into work, or leisure, or reward, was all made up! The truth is that every moment is full of possibility – and I am free to follow the internal nudge.

Another wonderful lesson from life on how to avoid habitual cognitive sinkholes. Slow your mind down, be present to where you are, and step into the nudge from within.

Dishwashing Zen

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At 9.00 pm, after a 10 hour day, I am doing the dishes. I notice I am feeling quite energized and alive. Other nights, I feel tired and haggard. I know my vitality level is created from the state of my mind. Open and free flowing, and my vitality levels rise. Occupied with ‘hard’ thinking and my vitality drops. Tonight, I have nothing on my mind. My attention is fully occupied by the dishes and being in my home.

I’m aware I can easily change my experience in this moment. Think differently. ‘I’m so tired. I hate always having to do this at the end of the day. And then I don’t sleep!’ Result? Feel tired and haggard. I think how funny it is that with a simple switch in thinking I change what I feel. Same activity, different thinking, different feeling (experience). I feel entertained with that thought. I reflect on the fact I don’t have a dishwasher. I think ‘dishwashers are unenvironmental’ and I feel distaste. So I don’t have a dishwasher. Everything starts with a thought.

My Red Cloud Kelpie stands at the door waiting to go outside. I think ‘she’s cute’. I caringly let her out. One minute later, she is waiting at the door to come in. I think, ‘she’s a pain in the butt’. I feel annoyed and let her in. Another moment of ‘hard’ thinking creating a harshness in feeling.

I think that tracking my thinking and feeling moment by moment is a lot of work. I feel tired. And on, and on, and on, it goes. Thinking and feeling.

For all of us.

All of the time.

I think ‘how amazing we are’. Guess how I feel.

Opening Up Instead of Filling Up

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As the aroma from my small traditional Italian espresso coffee machine permeates my IMG_1099kitchen, I am reminded of the coffees I used to purchase in cafes before COVID 19. Purchased when life was driven by the next client, the next meal to shop for, the next swimming training for my daughter, the next chore to be done, the next, the next, the next. Forever chasing the ‘next’ was normal and purchasing a coffee was my daily ‘reward’.

Now, as I pour warmed milk into two mugs, a warm air wafts through the open window and I hear my neighbour weight training in his garage. ‘Outside’ life is establishing itself in our homes. Life feels calm and wholesome. I glance at the bread basket on the kitchen bench next to me and see two remaining slices of rye bread. Automatically, an impulse stirs in my body. It’s an impulse to grab my car keys, walk out the front door, start the car and drive to the local supermarket to buy a loaf of rye bread and probably three to four other things I don’t immediately need but the purchase of which would provide the feeling of being ‘ahead’ of my ‘to do’ list. Whoa. In an instant the feeling of calm deserts me.

I pause. That impulse to rush out and buy was immediate and automatic. In a flash of understanding, I realise how ingrained this learned habit has become and I see the full extent by which I have lived my life by it. Hot on the heels of that ‘waking up’ I also know it is a dead end dirt track I no longer wish to travel. I feel slightly downcast.

IMG_0995Next to the breadbasket is my mother’s old Kenwood Chef. Years before, I had sequestered it to make bread after being inspired by my ex baker neighbour. Unused, it has sat on my kitchen bench like an ornament reflecting something I didn’t actually live. In my mind, an aperture of clarity appears. I see that the habitual impulse to keep doing the ‘next’ takes me away from being present. Of simply listening to the here and now things I could do with what I already have in my home, of the here and now things I just need to do in my workplace, and of the here and now presence I can bring to my relationships and friendships. Instead of my habitual impulse filling up my mind with things to do, I realise I can pause and allow my mind to open up to what wants to come forth from within.

For a brief moment I see the disparity between the mindlessness created by the automatic impulses I have IMG_0996learned,  and of the lifechanging and life affirming richness of mind that opens up if I pause and let habitual impulses pass. I breathe. This is a deep turning point. Thoughts arise about the week ahead and how I can take this new found clarity into my working and living life. The word ‘notice’ wafts to the surface of my mind. Just notice the feeling of that automatic impulse and pause. Be present, and contentment within will respond.