Sometimes we make ‘thinking’ mistakes about the mess in our lives.

That thinking can cause more damage than the mess itself.

That thinking can bring the living of our lives to a halt.

Mess is just mess, problems to sort out, and move through. But if we mistakenly think that mess is a reflection of something negative about ourselves, i.e. we make a detrimental judgement of ourselves based on the mess, then we increase the risk of shutting down our capacities for resolving the mess and instead replace it with shame. Shame shuts us down and we get stuck.

It has taken me a while to see this folly clearly and to consciously move through it. Years ago, whilst living in an uncaring, unhealthy relationship, I changed from a confident, independent, professional woman to a frightened, confused shell of my former self. I shivered within but pretended to the outside world that I was okay whilst at the same time withdrawing from everything that supported me, nourished me and reflected who I truly was. My thinking stalled me (for a number of years) and the mess worsened. Eventually, I responded to what I was doing to myself, disconnected from the relationship and slowly reconnected with affirming activities and people.

I run a small and hopefully nurturing life writing group for women. Writing our stories and voicing them allows us to explore and experience deeper and bigger definitions of ourselves. Being part of a nurturing and accepting group also offers each of us affirmation and the possibility of ‘hanging in there’ when our lives slip into mess.

I suspect no one avoids periods of intense mess in their lives. We can slip into it in the blink of an eye. Many of us think we are the only ones in a mess. This is not true. Mess happens. And when it does, it’s important to stay actively connected to people, groups, and activities that affirm who we are.

We are not the messes we find ourselves in. We are the person that others like, that others invite into their lives, that others call on the phone, that our dogs love, that our neighbours say hello to, that people recognise on the street, that others care about. Be that person and ways to navigate through each mess will become clear. Judge yourself negatively on the basis of the mess and know that it is not the mess that has done you in. Your thinking has.