When teaching writing, the narrative plot revolves around the ‘want’ of the main character, the obstacles they encounter, and the solutions they attempt. At some point in the story, it becomes evident that what the character thought they wanted, wasn’t really what they wanted and a deeper unconscious want emerges. It is this that is finally resolved. ‘Story A’ is the story of the obvious want. ‘Story B’ is the story of the deeper goal. These two stories play out in real life as well as in books.

My story of recovery from a relationship marred by coercive control included several external wants or goals that over time revealed deeper ‘Story B’s’. Initially, I wanted freedom and space from the constant barrage of criticism and crazymaking. I naively assumed moving out of physical proximity would rid me of the anxiety I lived with, of the need to assert myself and of the need to learn how to navigate situations of threat. How wrong I was. Whilst physical separation provided some relief, the real need or want was of myself. I wanted me. I wanted a version of me that didn’t cringe, that could feel comfortable in her own skin, that could feel like she belonged in the world again.

Eventually, through journal writing, acting on the truth that emerged on those pages, and reflecting on my process, I found what I truly wanted. Me. A version of me I liked. A life I liked. An inner presence I didn’t know I had.

Looking back, I recognise a list of goals, the achievement of which I thought signalled ‘success’ at recovering from a situation I felt ashamed about. I thought I wanted to construct a life that didn’t resemble the one that brought me shame. I thought I wanted to reconstruct the one that resembled my life prior to the coercive control. What I really wanted was to not feel ashamed of myself. I wasn’t clear on the distinction between Story A and Story B.

Prior to the relationship, I had worked in senior management positions, operated successfully as a consultant in the health sector and provided corporate training to large organisations. During the relationship, I shrivelled under words about my stupidity and ignorance. Post the relationship’s departure, I innocently assumed that a well paid, esteemed professional job would restore my sense of worth and dignity. That was my Story A.

For over a decade that is the story I chased. That story was an illusion. The real story is Story B. The one in which I realised that external ‘markers of success’ mean nothing, that my true worth resides within and that no one can take that away from me. Through writing, reading, writing about reading, experiencing, and writing about experiences, I realised I had nothing to feel ashamed about. Being ashamed of me was misplaced. I woke up to something unique and special in me that I can honour and nurture so that it sustains me for the rest of my days – even if I end up a demented resident in aged care.

When we embark on a journey … of securing a solution we think will resolve a need or want, be prepared for the possibility that you have got it wrong. That, like a homing missile, the inner yearning or need seeks something different …. something deeper, something wiser. If you feel shame about any of the experiences you have overcome, nothing external will remedy that. In order not to feel ashamed, we need to find what we are proud of in ourselves. We need to write the heroine into being, to seek and find the gifts she carries within, of its place in the external world, and how to bring it to others.

Domestic violence, sexual abuse, incest, alcoholism are experiences that happened to us. How we navigated them and what we genuinely reclaimed so that we live with greater peace is the real story … our Story B. Recover through uncovering. Write.