Tag Archives: anxiety

Let Me

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Mel Robbins, in her recent book ‘The Let Them Theory’ offers a simple but powerful mechanism for reregulating discombobulated brains and redirecting our attention so that we more fully access the brain’s power, increasing awareness, self worth and agency.

In a nutshell, when you find your mind occupied by something troubling, simply say “Let Them/It/Her/Him, etc” and turn to ‘Let Me’.

When our minds are occupied by troubled thoughts, an habitual neural circuit is in play.  It is an internalised habitual ‘script’ like the ones parents use to develop habits in their children, eg. ‘clean your teeth’, ‘pick up your clothes’, and ‘wash your hands’.  Those scripts must become embedded (habitual) for behaviour to become a habit.

The process is testament to the amazing unconscious learning mechanisms of the brain. The brain doesn’t distinguish between habits we wish to develop and those we don’t (that’s the role of awareness), and nor does it distinguish between internal behaviours and external ones. For the brain, all activity occurring in its operational centre is ‘live’ data.

‘Let Them’ is a powerful script. It erases all the ‘victim’ type thinking that usually sits under our troubled thinking. It is a circuit breaker (but may require a few repeats), re-regulating a stressed brain. It creates space – which we can then use to explore ‘Let Me’.

I recently used the approach to explore a past experience that has tended to revisit. I felt the power in the words ‘Let Them’ (in this case to walk away) and, picking up pen and journal, embarked upon writing to explore what sat underneath the words ‘Let Me’.

We can’t know what the ‘Me’ part needs to take responsibility for unless we explore it. Writing or talking are the most fruitful portals for this work. Anxiety, depression, and neuroplastic symptoms created from troubled minds are indicators that we are not responding to issues in our life with agency and power. Through early learning experiences, people develop inaccurate beliefs about these human qualities. We innocently learn to think ‘untruths’ about ourselves and get stuck in spirals of angst created via these untruths sitting below consciousness but manifesting nevertheless. ‘Let them’ breaks the circuitry, calming the amygdala and opens up space for us to explore the vast repertoire of wisdom our brains have gathered and stored – also out of sight.

Use your journal to explore the ‘Let Me’ element. What emerges will be different for everyone. What emerged in my exploration revealed deeper truths about my thinking and naïve processes for encircling myself with people who nourish me deeply. It revealed ‘blunted’ thinking I had internalised about myself and how this played out. It revealed an ignorance of the wisdom I had gathered through all my earlier experiences. That wisdom had been filed away, I just hadn’t accessed it.

Experiment with journal writing into the ‘Let Me’ aspect of Mel Robbins’s theory. But don’t lash yourself if the process feels messy. It’s new. Keep trying and if you need guidance or more structure, call to make an appointment.

Psychophysiologic Signalling

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The turnoff to Toodyay appeared before me as I drove home Sunday morning from a very peaceful and nurturing retreat at New Norcia Benedictine Monastery with Virginia Jealous. ‘Ah,’ I remembered. Today was the Toodyay market day so I slowed down and swung left.

Not even 100m after the turnoff, a flicker of anxiety began. I became unsettled and the impulse to turn around was strong. ‘Did I want to go to Toodyay?’ ‘Did I want to spend money I couldn’t afford?’ ‘Would I enjoy it?’ ‘Would I feel better if I went home and got stuck into my washing and ironing?’ ‘Did I really want to drive further away from home rather than closer to it?’ ‘Would I enjoy the drive down the Brand Highway to home, or would I prefer the more scenic route through the Darling Ranges?’ Round and round my thinking went, with my body following suit.

This was familiar. Every time I ventured out spontaneously on something novel for myself, I ended up in a knot.

Experiences in our body, from anxiety to pain, signal something – but what?

We may believe that anxiety and depression arise out of chemical imbalances or genetics. But neuroscience and epigenetics have both provided deeper understanding of the powerful roles of thought and the environment in the manifestation of these symptoms. They are the ‘up stream’ factors that create the experiences and if repeated often enough, can result in chemical imbalances, or genetic activation and shutdown.

We may believe that chronic pain is due to something structural in our bodies. In the majority of cases, this is not true (although all pain sufferers should seek medical assessment to rule out tumours, infection, and fractures). In both acute and chronic pain, the brain interprets a wide range of ‘data’ before activating pain sensations. In acute injury, nociceptive impulses are sent to the brain and interpreted alongside existing ‘data’ from our pain histories, ‘getting ahead’ behaviours, the environment, and earlier experiences. On the basis of all this information, the brain creates the most useful response to ensure survival. With chronic pain, it turns out that the brain doesn’t need physical damage to create the experience. It draws on that interconnected wiring and does it completely independently.

Maybe we misunderstand the mechanisms behind chronic emotional and physical symptoms and conditions? Maybe, instead of seeing them as indicators of ‘damage’ or ‘flaw’ they are actually signals from our healthy mind/body threat system alerting us to something in our learned cognitive architecture that isn’t serving us well and is getting in the way of living life with joy, agency and ease?

My anxiety whenever I venture into something spontaneous and just for me signals something I have learned in the journey of my life. As I drive, there is no ‘ogre’ down the road. My anxiety isn’t some form of higher power telling me an accident awaits me. I haven’t made a commitment elsewhere which I have now forgotten. Nothing sits before me except the opportunity to use my time freely (it’s Sunday for goodness sake!) and to do something enjoyable (even if on my own).

‘Time’, ‘enjoyment’, and ‘solo’, and all emotionally laden terms for me. They are part of my cognitive architecture. Time ‘should’ only be used for work; ‘enjoyment’ is what I ‘should’ bring to others, not myself; and ‘solo’ suggests there is something wrong with me – a ‘good’ woman is ‘partnered’ – and ‘joy’ is therefore only experienced with others.

I have done enough reading and journalling work to have a bit of insight into the origins and manifestations of this architecture. As I slow down my car and wonder whether to continue to Toodyay or to turn around and drive home, I have options. First, I can turn away from the questions and cognitive spin giving rise to anxious feelings, and redirect my focus to the beautiful landscape whilst I drive on. Being present works. I am safe. I can also note the experience for further writing exploration when I eventually sit down with a coffee and my pen.

Our healthy mind/body threat system tells us when something is askew. It’s time we stopped being afraid and learned to appreciate its message. There are now many well developed, neuroscientificallly informed, avenues to change our understanding of ourselves and live life more fully, expressive writing being one of them. If you would like help with the process, please reach out.

What if we’ve got ourselves all wrong?

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What if we’ve got our understanding of ourselves all wrong? What if we’ve got our thinking about how we need to use thinking all wrong? What if the innate capacities that drove Neanderthal man forward in evolution (without a book or teacher) are just as present in modern day man? What if, just as those capacities enabled Neanderthal man to successfully navigate his context, they are just as available for successfully navigating our context, and the contexts of the future? What if the way we think we have to relentlessly think about everything in order to live well is actually getting in the way of the capacities inbuilt to human beings that are the real drivers of change, thriving and evolution?

Innocently, we may have taken a wrong turn and the pendulum has swung too far out. Like mushrooms spawning, books, information and websites on how to manage our emotions, psychological states, parenting, relationships, business, performance, etc. now envelope our lives, each of them telling us how to do this, how to do that. It is humanly impossible to do everything they say, and yet each proposes that its contents will make us more effective – the implication being we will fail if we don’t. No wonder anxiety is so prevalent. Is it really true that we innately lack the wherewithal to successfully navigate life without an ‘expert’ somewhere guiding us? Or have we innocently lost our way and lost sight of what makes us human – the capacity to successfully navigate all the complexities of life – if we slow down the busyness of our thinking.

What if we settled back into an assumption that we have got what it takes and let go of running to do lists, schedules, books to read, classes to attend …. being in control. What if we played with letting that internal state go and gave ourselves permission to experiment? What if we maintained a quiet inner state for a small part of each day, what would we discover about what Neanderthal man innately trusted because he had never been taught to doubt it?

Bending Reality Out of Shape

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When people come into counselling, I suspect they think that if we just talk about everything, that in some miraculous way, it ‘fixes up’ the content of whatever is going on. The problem is there is SOOOO MUCH going on.

People not liking what we have done, people wanting more from us, unhealthy workplaces, poor relationships, addictions, people dying, sickness, struggling children … the list is endless. All of these issues benefit from a bigger perspective conversation. But the amount of time this would take is unreasonable, and new ‘problems’ surface along the way.

As part of her current More Signal, Less Noise 5 Day training Barbara Patterson presented a simple understanding of how everyone perceives in the moment – including ourselves. We are either interpreting life (and ourselves) from clarity, or we are interpreting from an agitated internal state and our thinking distorts reality. It bends it out of shape.

See the actions of a family member in a clear state and we see their acts of kindness and care. See it from an agitated state, and we distort our attention and thinking, catastrophising one small detail. See our own agitated internal state from clarity and we experience compassion. See the same internal state from agitation and we distort our experience into shame. Sensing whether ourselves and/or others have a calm internal climate or an agitated one, makes all the difference in knowing whether we, or others, are seeing clearly, or whether thinking is distorting reality.

Knowing this simple understanding provides flexibility in response as against groundhog day of repeated neural firing. If I know I am perceiving from an agitated internal climate, I can choose to sit still, breathe, redirect my attention, listen, etc. If I can see that the other person is expressing from an internal agitated state, I can choose to calm them down, distract, or I can walk away.

Everything going on in a person’s life can’t be talked through and ‘settled’ into place. But everyone can discern whether they and/or others are seeing clearly, or are innocently distorting reality. Familiarising ourselves with this simple ‘tool of awareness’ then opens a portal to forming a conscious relationship with the Me behind all the distorted thinking. The Me that nudges, realises, insights and knows – even when an internal tsunami is underway.

Curious or Caught Up

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When something troubling occupies your mind, do you view those thoughts with curiosity or do you get caught up in them? Both responses are manifestations of the innate principles of psychological functioning operative within everyone. One however is the result of a lack of awareness of how thought operates whilst the other is an expression of awareness.

As we go through our days, thoughts flow through our minds. And we follow them, most of the time experiencing them neutrally, with ease and grace. But every now and then, a train of thought emerges which is accompanied by feelings of unease. Variation in feeling is the natural expression of the Mind/Body connection. What we think, we feel.

Being aware of our feelings and knowing what they are telling us is crucial to consciously supporting healthy psychological functioning. Feelings tell us whether we are in the everyday flow of life, or whether we are experiencing an insight (a deeper, fresh thought) or whether something destabilizing is on our mind. When we are aware of the fact that we are only ever experiencing the thoughts on our mind, having a uneasy thought on our mind and feeling anxious is no big deal. Thoughts are like everything else – something separate from us to notice, to make a decision about, and sometimes to act on. The uneasy feelings some thoughts create is our body’s ‘siren’ – to notice and avoid going down the proverbial rabbit hole.

A ‘siren’ tells us to stop and pay attention. It doesn’t tell us to get involved with the accident. If we heed the ‘siren’, pause and get curious as to what we have on our minds, we work in harmony with our psychological system – instead of getting in the way.

Everyone experiences moments when we have something on our mind. My most recent experience was a feeling of unease, which when I noticed and got curious (instead of caught up), I could identify. ‘Oh, that’s interesting.’ Concern for someone on that day was one of the matters on my mind. Looking at it with curiosity, common sense told me that there was nothing I could do except be available to support emotionally should something occur.

The second matter however was in regards to work I had put myself up for. At the time, I thought it would be useful, but clearly something about it was niggling me. Later that day, clarity hit me – at this point of my life the work wasn’t for me. From that clarity, I emailed my decision to those who needed to know. No doubts, no second thoughts. That clarity felt absolutely true and right.

What did I do in between accessing curiosity about my feelings of unease and the arrival of clarity? I listened to what I needed to do to feel better, to feel at ease, to feel calm, and I followed through. I got back into the flow of life and the flow of thought. And from within that flow a moment of clarity, out of the blue, surfaced. I didn’t give the troubling thoughts on my mind a second thought. I engaged with activities that felt right, my troubling thoughts moved on and in the flow of thought coming toward me, the real substance arrived.

‘Comes and Goes’

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Dwaarlindjirraap, Lane Poole Reserve, Dwellingup.

I regularly experience rushes of anxiety. Ones in which it feels as if life has no meaning or significance. In those moments, I feel afraid, alone and scared.

I think that as a psychologist I should have all the answers for moving anxiety on quickly when it comes knocking on our doors. But I don’t. Sure, there are some strategies that occasionally work for me, and possibly work for others as well, but I don’t have a ‘method’ that works every time, and over time.

For my experience of anxiety has changed over the decades. In my earlier years, it was more a ‘daily living’ default setting. Now, my ‘normal’ is much, much calmer, and intermittently, there are bouts in which life feels scary. Interestingly, over those same decades, I have crafted a rich career; formed committed relationships; raised a child; navigated adolescence, mid life and all the years in between; grieved the loss of loved ones and loved animals; and managed health concerns as they arose. I have lived in spite of anxiety and other psychological ‘phenomena’.

Regardless of anxiety’s presentation, I do know its experience is created from thought, but that knowledge rarely helps me in the moment. I experience anxiety, and think ‘it’s just thought’, then what? Sitting in a psychological limboland without the rudder of another thought is equally scary. What actually ‘helps’, is the ‘coming in’ of another train of thought. One moment, I am sitting by the river, fearful of being alone and alive, five minutes later I am filled with warmth at the sight of human interactions occurring at different campsites as I return to my tent. My soul is balmed. Another moment, I am afraid of the week ahead of me and the next I am so happy to be able to sit on my couch and watch another rerun of ‘Rake’. That’s how life goes, one moment this, the next that.

Whilst I can offer a list of thoughts and actions to deliberately ‘bring in’ another thought/feeling, I also know that if I just allow my emotional experiences to ‘be’ and keep living, another train of thought/feeling will arrive. The past passes. Just as hayfever passes, or not getting to sleep passes, or a cold passes. Rest, take care, and living takes over again. Physical and psychological experiences, uncomfortable and comfortable, pleasurable and distressing, boring and intense, are all a small ‘passing’ part of the ‘mix’ of living.

Rather than come up with a list of strategies for moving ‘anxiety’ on, maybe our psychological resources would be more usefully spent on the main act – living a life we like. Because its the thoughts of things we like that ‘come in’ and nudge out the driver thought behind the experience of anxiety. Maybe living lives we like is what we can know better and more about, because we already know what we need to know about anxiety. It comes, and goes, when a ‘nicer’ thought comes in.

State of Mind First

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I know that educating people about the 3 ingredients that create human experience is a powerful pathway to increased feelings of wellbeing, clearer decision making and creativity/wisdom in living. However, that understanding is a radical shift in how we have learned to think about ourselves and life.

Whilst everyone has experience of what I point them to (because it is true for everyone), the way that we use thought (focus and content), gets in the way. I know the presence of the latter by its feeling – flat, fearful, low, anxious, busy, overwhelming, arrogant, angry, hesitant, timid, and more. They are created from our learned use of thought.

As sessions progress and people feel safer, their learned thinking wanes and their minds open to the understanding I bring. Safety allows thinking to calm. As it calms, we come home to a more natural state. Warm feelings, wisdom and clarity unfold and navigating life becomes way less effortful.

People generally enter sessions seeking a calmer and happier state of mind. That can’t be achieved with the thinking creating the busy and unhappy state of mind. The mind needs to slow down if insights, realisations and common sense steps are to be recognised.

I like to write in a journal. In my journal I have learned how to calm my mind and how to reap the treasures that lie within.

One journal activity I have found particularly useful to calming the mind is a strategy taken from Positive Psychology. I initially read about it here. It emerges from the observation that people tend to focus on the negatives in their day and/or create negative interpretations of the expressions of life manifesting around them.

This brief journaling technique turns our attention in the opposite direction to our learned habit. The instructions are simple. ‘Spend a few minutes at the end of the day making a list of 6 – 10 moments throughout the day that you appreciated for some reason or another.’ And when you wake up, try and remember as many as you can. After a week or so, increase the number to 12 – 20.

The purpose of the activity is not to test your memory. It is to change the habit of how you use attention and thought. In the process you will also experience the truth that your body feels what you think and that our external circumstances do not create our feelings, even when they are tough. The practice changes the wiring in your brain breaking the strength of its learned automaticity. It also has the potential to create a change in your awareness of how your experience is created. And … in the move to feeling better, you create the conditions for you to experience more of your innate intelligence, wisdom and creativity. The warmer our feelings, the closer we are to living from ‘home’ – before our conditioning.

If you are consistently feeling low, I offer this idea as something to try. But if it doesn’t appeal, then ask yourself ‘what can I do to slow down and come home’. The natural wisdom inside you, inside everyone, will guide you in your own unique way.

Image courtesy of @lucaupper Unsplash.com

‘Snakes and Ladders’ Thinking

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I have this children’s game sitting on my coffee table in the office. I use it to explain the role of thinking as we all play the game of life. Some of our thoughts are ‘snakes’ whilst others are ‘ladders’.

‘Ladder’ thoughts move us forward. We can know them by their feeling. They feel alive, right and positive.

‘Snake’ thoughts eventually take us backwards. They feel dead, revved up, chaotic, rushed, muddy.

‘Ladder’ thoughts emerge from a clear and calm mind.

‘Snake’ thoughts come out of a chaotic, revved up or depressed mind.

Solution ‘ladder’ thoughts are found in a clear mind – our default setting.

Solutions are never ever found in ‘snake’ thoughts.

A clear mind yields thoughts of love, compassion, wisdom, insight, creativity, innovation.

A tumultuous mind yields the opposite.

Both types of thoughts flow through our minds. With the gift of ‘free will’ we have the power to choose which ones to invest in and follow and which ones to drop and leave behind.

‘Ladder’ thoughts emerge from our true self. When caught up in ‘snake’ thoughts turn your mind to your true nature. Know that it is there and slowly you will return ‘home’.

When we have a cold, has our innate physical health left us? No. It is working to kill the bacteria. Our innate physical health system springs into action and sends the chemicals, white blood cells, etc. our body needs to overcome the illness. We experience the symptoms of our innate physical health working and if we ‘tune in’, we rest. In resting, we work with our innate physical health system. If we don’t, we work against it.

When we experience ‘snake’ thoughts has our innate psychological health left us? No. The feelings that accompany ‘snake’ thoughts call us to slow down so that our innate psychological health system can right us. Just as our innate physical health system is available to respond to threats, so too is our innate psychological health system. The ‘outputs’ of our psychological health system are thoughts – thoughts with a feeling of truth in the moment.

Noticing is the key. Notice our cold symptoms as soon as they begin and we can rest quicker, reducing the duration of our cold. Ignore them, push ourselves and we increase the possibility of hospitalisation. The same is true of our psychological symptoms. Notice them early, slow down, turn to innate health, listen for guidance accompanied by a feeling and follow.

We have both an innate physical health system and an innate psychological health system. We are just more conscious and therefore knowledgeable of one. Are you ready to become conscious of the other?

Mess

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Sometimes we make ‘thinking’ mistakes about the mess in our lives.

That thinking can cause more damage than the mess itself.

That thinking can bring the living of our lives to a halt.

Mess is just mess, problems to sort out, and move through. But if we mistakenly think that mess is a reflection of something negative about ourselves, i.e. we make a detrimental judgement of ourselves based on the mess, then we increase the risk of shutting down our capacities for resolving the mess and instead replace it with shame. Shame shuts us down and we get stuck.

FootpathIt has taken me a while to see this folly clearly and to consciously move through it. Years ago, whilst living in an uncaring, unhealthy relationship, I changed from a confident, independent, professional woman to a frightened, confused shell of my former self. I shivered within but pretended to the outside world that I was okay whilst at the same time withdrawing from everything that supported me, nourished me and reflected who I truly was. My thinking stalled me (for a number of years) and the mess worsened. Eventually, I responded to what I was doing to myself, disconnected from the relationship and slowly reconnected with affirming activities and people.

I run a small and hopefully nurturing life writing group for women. Writing our stories and voicing them allows us to explore and experience deeper and bigger definitions of ourselves. Being part of a nurturing and accepting group also offers each of us affirmation and the possibility of ‘hanging in there’ when our lives slip into mess.

I suspect no one avoids periods of intense mess in their lives. We can slip into it in the blink of an eye. Many of us think we are the only ones in a mess. This is not true. Mess happens. And when it does, it’s important to stay actively connected to people, groups, and activities that affirm who we are.

We are not the messes we find ourselves in. We are the person that others like, that others invite into their lives, that others call on the phone, that our dogs love, that our neighbours say hello to, that people recognise on the street, that others care about. Be that person and ways to navigate through each mess will become clear. Judge yourself negatively on the basis of the mess and know that it is not the mess that has done you in. Your thinking has.

The Gentler Things in Life

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I sit at my writing desk, looking out the window at the bushland beyond. Rain was forecast. Instead, we have the usual dry ground and stillness in the air.

This week I realized that COVID 19 restrictions have erased the ‘softer touch’ people interactions that counterbalanced the demands and responsibilities of my work, homeschooling, and maintaining the haven I call home. Gone are the sparkling eyes, laughs and ‘ocker’ banter of the Vietnamese lunch bar proprietors; gone are the smiles on the fresh faces of young women, in 50’s attire, hair bound with scarves, at my favourite cafe; and gone are the unexpected encounters at the local supermarket with characters I recognize from my working-class neighbourhood. Small interactions that provided a counterbalance I didn’t have to rally to my overwhelmed mind are now missing.

IMG_0752I know that the mediator to all experience is my thinking. Pre COVID 19, there was enough ‘wiggle room’ awareness of what I was hosting in my mind to let go of ‘angsty’ thinking when it arose. But things are different now. With the COVID 19 restrictions, I have lost those nurturing, interactive moments that effortlessly ignited positive thoughts to warm my heart and maintain my proximity to inner contentment. Now, my public and sometimes working life ‘living landscape of people interactions’ is more often tense and abrasive. Without the everyday ‘softer touch’ people interactions, my ‘wiggle room’ has silently departed and my mind has meandered into the wilderness.

How to counteract what I now see so clearly?

An overseas friend, a terrific, warmhearted woman and a kindred spirit (living in much tougher circumstances than my own), has suggested we videoconference for an hour, once a week, just to take time out, to talk about how we are going, to listen and to laugh. Imagine how different life could be for many if we initiated the same with one other person and invited them to do the same with another. Two hours a week to consciously spread care and warmth. An act of kindness that it is so needed by those who live alone and don’t have the buffer of another caring adult in the home. I already have my ‘one other’ in mind.

My second commitment is to say hello and to smile at all those I pass as I walk my dog and ride my bike. Partners walking their golden retriever, terriers, and dachshunds, and fathers helping their little ones to ride small two-wheeler bikes now regularly appear on the firebreak bordering the Australian bushland across the road from my home. All wave from a distance and say hello. State housing commission tenants imbibing from large Pepsi or Coca Cola bottles on their front porch also say hello. These small acts have lifted my spirits. I intend to ‘pay it on.’

I also notice those blogs, videos, tweets, pictures, and posts that calm and nurture versus those that further intellectualize or deliberately manipulate our lived experiences of life under COVID 19. The latter creates a ‘tighter’ feel within. They don’t reflect the breadth of thought we experience and nor do they align with all that makes us human. Vast expanses of joy, sorrow, laughter, compassion, anger, and fear roll, like thunderous waves in a storm through our psyches. Narrow apertures can not contain nor shape the truth of our inner worlds, and nor do they provide the balance that ‘softer touch’ interactions gift to peace of mind. Instead, they take us further away from inner contentment and add to an increased sense of unnamed angst. We need counterbalances that reflect a fullness to life. My final commitment is to feature ‘softer touch’  moments I encounter, ones that automatically ignite the heart, and nudge angst on its way. The sparks that resonate with being fully human needs fanning.

Rain now falls outside.