Slap, slap, slap, slap. The sound of sandshoes pummelling the footpath every day as my 9 year old self ran up the hill of the road home in an attempt to beat the bus. 1960’s shoes and shoulder strap school bag didn’t make it easy. If the old bus chugged past before I made it to the top, I’d stop running and stoop into despair that I had ‘lost’. Beat it and I was a winner. The fantasies that go on in a child’s mind. Adrian Mole and Horrible Henry aren’t the only ones narrating their lives.

The only problem is that that narrative became my mantra. Whether in work, or relationships, or health, I have pushed myself beyond what is humanly healthy in order to reach a bar I had set too high in order to validate my worth.

Five decades later, I am finally listening to the nudge within that serves me better than my conditioning. I am called to slow down my inner world, and to let go of the narrative that orders I do this, this and that, before I can feel okay. It’s time to move with grace. It’s also time to prioritize writing about moments that resonate.

So I was disappointed recently to find myself agitated at the end of the day. As I swept the kitchen floor, the realisation came to me that I had been using an hour of DVD watching of an evening as my ‘reward’ for having slowed down during the day. On this day, however, work tasks had taken a little longer and the ‘reward’ was thwarted. No wonder I was tense! How grateful I was for the fruits in awareness the disruption unearthed.

Oh I was amused. Like a sinkhole in consciousness, this childhood cognitive firing was at play again! Conditioning had usurped open presence. My mind had automatically made ‘reward’ meaning out of time at the end of the day. Realisation freed me and I knew there were no ‘rules’ about how I used my time. Categorising my activity into work, or leisure, or reward, was all made up! The truth is that every moment is full of possibility – and I am free to follow the internal nudge.

Another wonderful lesson from life on how to avoid habitual cognitive sinkholes. Slow your mind down, be present to where you are, and step into the nudge from within.