Monsters don’t just live under the bed. When our children are scared of the ‘monster under the bed’, parents know three things, (a) there is no monster under the bed, (b) our child is feeling insecure, and (c) we need to help. If no monster exists then how do parents and carers respond to a fantasy? And should our response be any different whether the monsters truly exist or not?

Michael Neill, in his webinar series, ‘A Whole New Way of Thinking About Parenting‘ opens with a recount of his daughter’s young life. He tells of how she used to experience episodes of anger and violence, often lasting for hours. He and his wife sought the services of the country’s top professionals and followed their advice, only to be left with a feeling that the recommended solution wasn’t quite right. So they sat and reflected, seeing something for themselves which they acted on. Michael sat with is daughter while she destroyed her room (and him). Several outbursts later, the ‘problem’ disappeared. They did not ascertain the ’cause’ of their daughter’s distress and whilst they did seek external help, in the end it was acting on what felt true for them (staying with her) that turned the behaviour around.

In my own younger years, I developed a psychosomatic ‘disorder’ which lasted about 3 weeks. My parents paid extra attention to my welfare and sought the help of our family GP. Nothing in particular was or could be done (it was a fantasy after all), but several hand holding trips to the GP bundled with a small additional dose of attention and miraculously my condition disappeared. At the time, my condition felt real and I could not stop what was occurring. But stop it did. Was the attention and boost to my feelings of security all that I needed for my mind and emotions to stabilise again?

In my own daughter’s young life, there was one occasion in which I was hospitalised overnight. Whilst I ensured everything was in place for her to feel secure whilst I was away, I learned later of some very bizarre behaviour and I briefly considered seeking professional help.  She couldn’t articulate why she did it but she knew she did it when I was in hospital. I didn’t do anything about the behaviour but I listened to thoughts that  surfaced within me about what I needed to do to ensure she felt secure again. The behaviour never resurfaced. I also learned that bizarre behaviour amongst children is quite common.

When it comes to young children, I’m not sure we can ever really ascertain the ‘trigger’ for the shift in their thinking that creates their insecurity, or really whether it makes any difference. What we can do however is to quieten down in our own minds, do whatever we can to reestablish a secure feeling and listen to what surfaces within ourselves that feels like the right thing to do. Maybe holding them in our hearts, trusting what comes to us in our quieter moments and following through is all that is needed. Maybe the solution to all monsters, imagined or real, is love and the wisdom that comes from it.